Would the real slim shady please sit down

Well here we are final day in this wonderland. As the gals head to the various slopes I decide to tackle the highest ski lift that leads to Red 6. Not sure I'd I am allowed without skis I use some parliamo glesga and enquire of a butch Austrian ski lift man 'gonnageesaburltaetopoyonhull'. He beckons me on...I think and despite the queue no one else appears keen to travel with Robbie the Madman. Travel 10 yards and the lift comes to a complete stop with Fritz running towards me gesticulating. Clearly being reared on Disney I am used to ride restrictions being applied automatically. It would appear that in this durst spurst tecnic world you have to manually apply the safety bar. Clearly wasn't flavour of the day but off we went and a lovely 10 minute travel up to 2700m. Got there and view good but heavy snow. No facilities for those not on planks of wood so start to panic how I get back to base camp. After a few Vision On hand gestures Fritzs brother at top allows me on to lift to descend mountain. Being an old pro at this I gracefully flip my safety bar on and sit back smugly..emergency stop again...can't be me...could be me. On way down you have to pull down the canopy which I now appreciate saved me from frostbite from he snowstorm. To keep me amused I decide to recite a few Proclaimers songs at full voice much to the alarm of those ascending. In my week here I have never seen anyone descending the lift and suddenly I became a tourist attraction as folk gazed and pointed at this rare sight. Halfway down I decided to give any onlookers the royal wave to bewilder them even more. Got down safely again to looks of amazement from the gathered skiers. Great way to end the holiday and am sure Robbie the Madman is probably the topic of conversation over the odd schnitzel plate this evening.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Big boys don't cry

What a traumatic day. My wonderful 8 year old daughter Kiera had never put on skis until Sunday and despite a couple of teary days is now at the top of a slope in her first official race. Off she goes and heads at speed through the various slalom poles. Couldn't see her last 25 yards as I was bubbling like an overgrown bubbling monster. The roar of the crowd as she past the finish line set me off even more. I can well understand how the Austrians seem so hard as minus 17 is no place for tears and as I stumble towards the line I can hardly see with ice filled greetin eyes. When she got her silver medal later in the day I was slightly better but still filled up. Proudest dad in the world but I appreciate my greetin caused her great embarrassment. Remember dad big boys don't cry.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Pissed on the Piste (Eurotrash)

Best day so far with unbelievable weather. Headed up the gondola to 2600m as the Moll advised there was deck chairs and also a bar. Got up and find there is 2 wooden benches and the bar is 500m away down a ski slope and unreachable to a mere mortal. I then proceed to take some stunning photos and also become most popular person to take group and single shots over the mountains. Headed down to red 6 and park myself on a deck chair with endless supplies of Heineken. The highlight of my 2 hours was the top 100 German yodelling songs of all time put to a techno beat, occasionally there was some old Abba and Village People classics. The Germans seem to use the phrase la, la, la, la in most of their classics and if I come back in another life I would like to be a German lyricist the money must be good for very little. My favourite was that German classic 'My shite cigar'. Anyway after a couple hours and many a beer I freestyles Robin Cousins style to my hotel. (having technical trouble with pictures and hope my visit to the heavens won't be wasted by a corrupt card) La, la , la I love to go a wandering.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Ribtickler

Wednesday is the hotel staff day off and we have to fend for ourselves. Unfortunately the daily ritual of chef's soup of the day and various homemade cakes at 16.00 as we leave the slopes is broken. We decide to head en masse to Heinrich and Fritz Roma's rib joint. Keen to impress we are welcomed by the ribs of a herd of buffalo shown in the images, this is accompanied by 18 slices of full garlic bread and enough cabbagey stuff to choke a horse. I managed a couple of racks, but the lack of a decent sauce made it difficult. No BBQ sauce in these regions the choices of sweet chilli and garlic sauce were met with strange looks. Anyway not as good as Toni Romas or Macaronis and should cut down on the meat and serve better sauce. Couple of beers and obligatory couple of schnapps and then the walk home at minus 20. Fuelled by a day of beers, wine, ribs and schnapps I plucked up the courage to hit the slopes with an upturned bin lid and created purple run number 1. The unflattering footage will remain within the Longmuir vaults.

Crisis, what crisis

Even in the quietest moments you can hear the shriek of a banshee. Well the evening arrived and our party was picked up in a Rangerover which was driven by an eastern european Bond baddie. We head for the 2.5km track that I walked up the day before. This time we were in a vehicle driven by a maniac who was keen to impress with his slides round the corners and decent speed. He occasionally sounded his horn for any oncoming tobogonnars who would certainly have been gonners had we met at any corner. Reaching the summit it was silly numbers below, so we had a gluvine to heat us up and also give me the courage to descend on lumps of wood with the 6 year olds who had joined us. The hour struck and we headed to the top of the slope, I let the 6 year olds go to give them a head start. Initial few yards no problem but as soon as we reached first slope then begun a 6 minute adrenaline rush. The braver headed head first and the less brave sitting upright and then there was me uprights and heels firmly in snow. As I yelped like the gayest banshee others looked around to see what could be making such a noise. Was keen to video so I tried camera in top of my trousers, but feared a quick corner and a shift of camera and I could have created my first personal sex tape, so logically I decided to take off a glove and hold along with my reigns. Needless to say b time I got to bottom I my right hand was not of this world and took an hour to thaw out. Think I was the only one who came to a stop before end as the final straight was long and fast...you could smell the burning rubber from my heels. fantastic experience even if I was the equivalent of your elderly oap sunday driver. You got to give a little bit to get a lot.

Yellow Peril

The artistic side of me came out yesterday. Must have been my upbringing of Rolf Harris, Vision On and latterly Art Attack. During my morning snow stroll I felt the urgency to offload the excess water I had taken onboard. Having found a secluded drift in the woods, I thought it would be investing to see if I could sign my name with my personal marker. Despite my efforts it all ended up in a yellow mess and chipolata rather than bratwurst.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

What goes up ......

Post lunch decided to take the Moll's advice a head up the local toboggan track which is 2.5km long and starts high up in the mountains. Armed with iTunes, water and my fitbit I headed skyward. After a stunning 60 minute walk I find myself at the summit and a lodge Graf Ferdinand that supplied many local delicacies and fine beers and wine. The only downside to the plan was the fact that toboggans had to be rented at bottom of run rather than the top and to my disbelief I realised I would have to retrace my steps with no other form of transport available. Even looked for a friendly bin lid or cardboard box, but to no avail my great plan of exerting all my energy on way up to gently meander down on a wooden contraption had failed. Only upside was that I completed over 25000 steps but also had walked up the equivalent of 145 flights of stairs, my previous record had been 67. Tonight we head up as a large group in a Rangerover, couple of rounds of schnapps and then down we go. Hoping insurance paid up and that Kiera goes with her mum. I feel another potential story tomorrow, as long as its not from a hospital bed!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

An Idiot Abroad

While the gals are all out on the slopes I decided to take a wander to keep up my average of 17000 steps a day whilst on my break. After a decent 3 mile track I decided to venture off the beaten track and followed the tracks for the cross country skiers. Was very pleasant with great views, but suddenly realised that the main road was about 25 yards to my right. With no thought I made a dart for the road to ensure my safe passage home. I should have noticed the depth of snow on the nearby trees but no. Within 3 steps I was up to my thighs in snow, but the sirenesque lure of a passage home drove me further and before I knew it I was beyond my waist and panic set in as I contemplated a drowning in snow. I was stuck firm and a couple of local skiers passed and remarked something in German, not sure if hey were offering help or remarking on my Mr Bean antics. After some precision digging I found my way to roadside. I had survived but needed 30 minutes at side of road to let my lungs and nerves recover. Well and truly an idiot abroad!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Fool's Overture

Monday night is quiz night at Hotel Elisabeth and after a hard day on the slopes, a hearty meal, flagons of beer wine and aperitif of the day battle lines are drawn as 7 teams compete against each other for the right to walk away as quiz champions. The Scottish contingent are fairly confident with the added brain power of a couple of English youthful geniuses. Over the next couple of hours we dug into the grey matter and responded successfully to questions on sport, entertainment, local culture, general knowledge et al. Having played a good joker we triumphed by an impressive 16 point margin blasting Swindon and Bristol contingent to the four walls. Looking back put in a pretty solid performance. Every so often a bonus question was raised and the first competitor shouting out answer won a shot of Schnapps that had to be downed in one with the greeting Prosit. Having won 3 in a row, they then upped the stakes with a quadruple measure, known in Edinburgh as a Big Bazza, unfortunately as the question 'who will be 3rd in line for the throne' left the question masters lips I heard a weedge voice crying out 'Kate's sprog'. Suddenly all eyes were on me and despite my protestations that it must have been someone else I reluctantly accepted the evidence pointed to me. I sheepishly got to my feet, raised the overfilled glass, shrieked the prosit and downed the awful liquid in a oner to great applause. My work colleagues would have been impressed but my head, stomach and general well being was not impressed as I bounced off the walls to hit the sack after another couple of celebratory drinks. Several new friends were made after a lively night. Prosit!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Ooh Err Missus

Well during my initial rece round the hotel I found the wellness room and whilst doing my Mr Nosey I came across the sauna and forgetting about the local habits didn't realise that the custom was to steam and sauna in you birthday suit. As I pearled through the glass I was confronted by the sight of a middle aged woman who was fairly well developed. The issue could have passed unnoticed but instead of topping my head and exiting stage left, I proceeded to wave to her like a great aunty would do after a Sunday visit. I left feeling well embarrassed and she probably left thinking there was a stalker in the hotel. Our eyes never met again, although am not sure they did I the first place!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sun things confuse me

Well I wake to total confusion. Having went to bed it was Minus 16 and doesn't seem much warmer this morning. Despite this I am wakened by the waft of factor 50 being plastered all over the 3 gals. Appreciate I am west coast but cannot understand the concept of sun in the snow causing a problem. I attach an obligatory splodge to my napper, just in case. Leave the hotel and hit by the sub zero temps as all other inhabitants slide along on their bits of wood. Leaving the gals at ski skool I head for a wander and again my mind is challenged as I come across a vendor placing his deck chairs along the snow with various animal skins to keep people warm. Too much for me to comprehend but having seen some of the other beasts they have either been burned or are as pssd as newts.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

What the Fokker was that all about

Well after a pleasant evening spent in the surroundings of Edinburgh airport, we headed over to the terminal to catch the 9.45 express to Innsbruck. Me being the keen flyer imagine my delight when the incoming flight landed, not the 737 I expected, but a Fokker 100 with its Gerry Anderson style engines on the tail. Not the best start but had time to google and see that they went out of assembly in 1996 and that as recent as 3 years ago an Austrian version had an 'idle' right engine forcing an emergency landing. Quite a few fatal crashes but hey oh here we go. Donna and Blitzen got us airborne and then fed and wined us in what was a fairly pleasant flight. 20 minutes to land and I suddenly notice that we are caressing the Alps and at times skiers are higher. Interesting windy route into the airport with the slopes never more that a sand iron from the wing tips. Landed safely and surprisingly stomach contents still intact. Courtesy bus to Kuhtai and in hotel less than 5 hours after we left hotel. All good so far!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Kuhtai

Well headed west and for next 7 days my choice of residence is Kuhtai in the Tyrol region of Austria. Its in the middle of the Alps and is the highest ski resort in Austria. Appreciate I am not on top of Everest but the altitude at 2500m is more of a challenge than I thought. I also appear to be the only person under the age of 80 who is not taking to the slopes. Anyway join me for my usual rambles and musings on what should be an entertaining journey.